The Art of Saying No
The term “boundaries” has flooded the internet in the last few years. Many self-help articles tout the importance of setting healthy boundaries but leave a reader confused on how to do so. Even worse, some advice is overly complicated, making it difficult to follow and apply. It should not be this way. The core of all healthy boundaries is simply the ability to say “no.” Practicing saying “no” can help you to be more authentic, compassionate, and mentally healthy.
The goal of this blog post is to:
- Define boundaries and their importance
- Identify the different kinds and how to set them
- Maintaining those boundaries
If you are just stopping by and don’t want to read the whole article, check out the TL;DR at the bottom of the page.
Is this cool with me?
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the best things you can do for yourself. They are safety lines that help protect you from situations that could cause trouble or pain.
In the famous words of Brené Brown,
“Boundaries are a clear understanding of what’s okay for you and what’s not okay for you. There’s no way that you can be truly, genuinely, deeply compassionate and generous towards somebody if they are violating your boundaries at the same time.”
Each boundary is unique to the person who sets them. What works for one person may not work for another. This is why it is important to spend some time asking yourself where you draw the line.
If you are feeling tension or frustration in your life, get to the root of it. Really ask yourself, “Is this cool with me?” If the behavior/situation is not, it is time to draw a line.
Ready… and set!
Boundaries are customizable to every aspect of your life, so it may be difficult to know where to start the process. Below is a list of boundary types, questions to ask, and what that boundary might sound like. When you are thinking about your boundaries, be honest and genuine with yourself. You only get out what you put in, so spend some time really focusing on the points of pressure in life. Prioritize yourself. Draw some lines.
Types of boundaries to set
Physical
Ask yourself:
- What nutrition goals do I have?
- How much sleep would I like to get?
- Where can I make room for self-care?
- How do I feel about being touched?
What these goals can sound like:
- “Your offer for ice cream is appreciated, but I am lactose intolerant so I will have to pass.”
- “I need to go to bed in 30 minutes, so our phone call needs to allow for that.”
- “Let’s hang out another day, I need some me-time.”
- “I don’t love hugs, but a fist bump is cool!”
Relational
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel comfortable with the speed this relationship is progressing?
- When is sex okay for me?
- Does this person drain me too much?
- How often do I want to be social?
- What kind of behavior do I not tolerate?
What these boundaries can sound like:
- “It is too soon to talk about marriage, can we discuss this in a few months?”
- “I am not comfortable having sex this early in my relationship, I want to wait a little longer.”
- “This friend sucks the joy out of me, so I am going to spend less time with them.”
- “I need some downtime this weekend, want to try for a different time?”
- “We can hang out, but I don’t want to talk about my physical fitness anymore.”
Mental
Ask yourself:
- What negative thoughts do I keep coming back to?
- Am I allowing myself enough mental health breaks?
- At what point should I see someone about my mental health?
What these boundaries can sound like:
- “The thoughts I have about my productivity may be real, but they aren’t true, so I am choosing to let them go.”
- “I plan to limit my social media use to less than 1 hour a day so I have time to do other things I care about.”
- “If I start to notice that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I will reach out again to my therapist.”
Work
Ask yourself:
- How much work should I bring into my home life?
- Are the tasks set for me overextending me as an employee?
- Do I dread a particular aspect of my job duties?
What these boundaries can sound like:
- “When I am off work, I do not check emails.”
- “I cannot plan this work event because it is not within the scope of my job duties.”
- “I will walk around outside once an hour to break up the mundane tasks before me.”
Spiritual
Ask yourself:
- Does this behavior fit within my beliefs?
- Do certain relationships judge me for my faith?
- How much am I willing to talk about my spiritual life?
What these boundaries can sound like:
- “Thank you for your offer, but I cannot have pork.”
- “I do not tolerate personal attacks or jokes about what I wear to express my faith. Please refrain from these comments in the future.”
- “My spiritual life is special but personal. I don’t want to talk about it at work.
Hold those lines!
It is crucial to stick to the boundaries you set for yourself. Otherwise why even set them in the first place? Make your lines clear to others and don’t allow them to be crossed. You owe no one an explanation of the boundaries you set. If someone tries to push your boundaries, you are allowed to leave the situation. This is a very difficult process for some. Thankfully, saying “no” is a skill that improves the more you practice it. It is important to allow your boundaries to grow with you. This can be as simple as adjusting your workout goals or changing your screen time rules. Be concrete with the lines you draw, but open to modifying them as you learn and grow.
Boundaries are only useful if they serve you. Some boundaries you outgrow, and some cease to apply to your life. When you feel this happening, it is okay to readjust to accommodate these changes. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Boundaries are a tool to help you feel comfortable, safe, and compassionate. Carve out a little time every so often to think about and establish your boundaries.
TL;DR
Boundaries are important for safety and mental health. Say no to the things that make you uncomfortable, stressed, or upset. Analyze where you can draw the line for the physical, relational, mental, work, and spiritual parts of your life. Stick to these boundaries and grow with them.
Related: Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Depression
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